Newspapers / Methodist University Student Newspaper / Dec. 8, 1999, edition 1 / Page 1
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CDdnarch CDessenqcr ai O Fayetteville, NC Vol. XXXVII, No. 5 Wednesday December 8, 1999 finals '6tre.ss ^e-tie-f' Issue. What If These Questions Are On Your Finals? Math A stitch in time saves nine what? If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in back tossing a triangle in the air? If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to? Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Why is a boxing ring square? English If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know? Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine? What’s the synonym for a thesaurus? Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary? Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram?” Why is “abbreviated” such a long word? Why is the alphabet in that order (is it because of that song)? Why is the word ‘dictionary’ in the dictionary? Why isn’t the word phonetic spelled the way that it sounds? Science After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? Are female moths called myths? If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk? If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman? How much milk is in the Milky Way? If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream in pain? If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? How many weeks are in a light year? What do you call a male ladybug? Do stars clean themselves with a meteor shower? If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags? Do fish get thirsty? If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe? Social Sciences How is it possible to have a ‘civil’ war? Where is Old Zealand? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation? Do people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘up over’? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all of her friends? Religion/Philosophy How much can I get away with and still go to heaven? What if you’re in Hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you tell them to go? What do you say if you’re talking to God, and he sneezes? What if someone died in the living room? How can someone “draw a blank?” Why do they call it “life” insurance? Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes? When day breaks, who fixes it? When we say our mind wander— where does it go? What was the best thing before sliced bread? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? ACROSS 1 Test of knowledge (4) 3 Scottish city (8) 9 Carrying chair (5) 10 Runaway prisoner (7) 11 European community in short (3) 13 Alike (9) 14 Ludicrous (6) 16 Role models (6) 18 Yeoman warder (9) 20 Faucet (3) 22 Cut off (7) 23 Desert plants (5) 25 Salutation (8) 26 Let it remain (4) Quick Crossword DOWN 1 Come after (5) 2 Count up (3) 4 Electronic pager (6) 5 Read poetry (7) 6 Anticipated (9) 7 Irritates (7) 8 Against (4) 12 Cooking pot (9) 14 Sauntering (7) 15 Reestablish (7) 17 Scattered (6) 19 Cereal (4) 21 Colour (5) 24 Feline (3) Fun Ways To Take Exams ■ Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “Oh geez, better get cracking!” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. •Get a copy of the exam, run out scream ing “I’ve got secret documents!!” •If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. I fit is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be cre ative. Use the integral symbol. •Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a joke the instructor and the class are! •Bring cheerleaders. •Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the in structor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?" •On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. •Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breath a sigh relief Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave to country” and run off •Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluo rescent markers, •Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and noth ing else. ■Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the in structor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. ■Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. •Try to get people in the room to do the wave. •Go into the exam wearing a flimsy tank top. Twenty minutes into the exam, stand up, roar, and tear off your tank top like the Hulk Hogan of yesteryear. Then calmly walk to the front of the room, leave your exam, and leave with a serene, satisfied smile on your face.
Methodist University Student Newspaper
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Dec. 8, 1999, edition 1
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